I still blog.

It's hotter than hell. My mind is racing. I'm blogging from my iPhone... Which means this is serious. (All my readers know how much I hate blogging from this thing!!!)  I've had a very exhausting, very emotional and life changing month. I'm far too old to be in the situation I'm in, but, life throws curve balls. Here I am, 26, single mom living at my own mothers house. I've been gone since I was 18, hello nostalgia!! I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and not make my own decisions for my own happiness. The best thing I have probably done in my life is stay home with my son and be able to be with him 100% of the time. But honestly... It's never what I wanted. I enjoyed working and really loved what I did. Here I am, starting over from complete scratch and am missing two solid years of job experience on my résumé. I have to start back over in every aspect of my life.

For those of you who are wondering, LJ's doing better then ever. Taking him out of such a toxic environment and freeing him from the arguments and fighting really has done a lot for him. He's much happier, sillier, and seems to talking a whole lot more then he was before. We will be back on our feet hopefully sooner then later, and, I hope to be able to give him a sence of  stability and security.  Its important I take care of all this garbage now instead of later, so that when he's at an age he remembers everything, he will have a family environment and feel like his life, and his heart is full. I love him more than I can say. He truly is the thing keeping me going right now. Through all the bull shit I'm dealing with, if I don't teach him to be strong, who will? I'm doing everything I can to make sure he's not effected by the situations effecting me right now. I won't take him down with me, he deserves better. 

Currently considering a few options for myself... Back to school? Back to merchandising? Currently bartending and cocktailing for my mom at the bowling alley, but, hoping that's a temporary solution although it will get my bills paid for now. I've been thinking for a long time what a career choice might look for me as a mother, but now as a single mother.... Trying to be more strategic and find something that will most definitely benefit me AND my son. We're a badass team.

Other news... My brain has always, ALWAYS been smarter then my heart. I have rarely ever followed my heart.... And I remember why. It's a little heavy today, my actions and choices are taking a toll. But-- like with everything else, I'll get through it or ill get over it. Fate is a sneaky little bitch. I do believe everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is not brought to the surface just yet. Only time will tell.

Looks like its Tuesday again, Monday sucks it proved to be as stupid as ever, and now it's time to shake the 'tude play softball. I normally look forward to it a bit more then I do today, but need some time away from the real world. 

It's been real, blog world. I miss my readers. I have of lately been blogging privately, but it's time to get back on track. Expect to hear from me again soon ;)

Drum roll please.....

over the past two years, as you all know, my life has changed in every kind of way. I became a mother, I was asked to be a wife, I quit my (very very very loved and adored) job, and life has taken over. there has been a time or two hundred that i have to stop and ask myself; Who am i anymore?! I love my new life and wouldn't change it for anything in the world. Being a mom has made me more compassionate, caring, nurturing, thoughtful, selfless, and fat. yeah, i said it. i was slowly gaining and gaining and i noticed every bit of it. I have always struggled with my weight, but being a mom is truly my #1 prioirity and i wasn't worried about anything that i was doing, as long as my kids and soon to be hubby were happy. One day I realized... I'm loosing myself in this new life. I still get to be a PERSON. I still deserve to be happy, I still deserve to be ME. I've never wanted to be stick thin, I've always appreciated and loved my curves (holla thick girls!) but i needed to tone it down. I always said i would start working on it when i was ready. and BAM. here it is. I'm ready!!

I decided the first of this year would be my go time. after all the holidays, after everything settles down, i could start thinking about myself again; especially my health. I've been dreading to post this... but... here goes nothing.

Here I am in all my (fat) glory. tipping my awkward scales at 151.1 lbs. I didn't know how uncomfortable in my own skin i truly was, until 3 months later i was looking at this.

I FEEL AMAZING! I am so happy to get dressed each day. I mean, seriously, are those 2 different people?! look at that little waist! proud to weigh in at a 126.4 right now. yeah, you heard me.

first things first, i did this the RIGHT way. a little miracle called the South Beach Diet. good carbs vs. bad carbs, no sugars, low cal, protein. its all things i feel comfortable feeding my family. I know how to eat to be/stay healthy. I just have to keep it up.

I have adapted something very new in my life-- running. It is NOT easy to start running. I've been following the amazing couch to 5k app, and, each week it gets a little bit harder and harder... but guess what? each week i finish. and I amaze myself every time. I have some amazing motivation in my life. My kids, my family and friend, and of course my PREGNANT sister. who goes to the gym 5 days a week, and runs for fun. she just follows where that little (getting bigger!) belly leads her, and she works her ass off. my excuse? I'm lazy. yeah... can't cut it anymore. I need to get healthy, BE healthy, and teach my kids a healthy lifestyle. Signed up for my very first 5k in a little less than 2 weeks!! very excited for my new lifestyle.

I'm going to be a BRIDE!! I've picked out my dream dress. and i look better in it then i ever dreamed i would. my life is coming together and I am a much happier person. I still have a road ahead of me, and the scariest thing for me, mainatnce. sure i can GET skinny, but it's all about staying skinny. Actually, scratch that all. It's all about being happy in my own skin. i am determined to always be a better mom, and by being active and healthy, I can deliver that much more to my kids. 

Happy to be me again. Happy to have my life under control. Happy.

XoXo!

my REAL dad.

My biological father has always kind of came in and out of my life as he chose. I allowed it, and was always SO happy when i heard from him again, he randomly came to town to visit, he was moving home again... etc. etc. etc. I was very much a "daddies girl" and it took me far too long to realize he was going to come into my life, and break my heart as he left again, as long as I allowed him. too long in fact. I hadn't heard from him in 4 years til the day my son was born... yeah, right. you do that to me my whole life and you think I'm going to openly allow you to hurt my son like that, too? sorry Daddio, you're in or you're out. you made your choice a long time ago.

Aside from all my monster daddy issues, I'd like to pay tribute to the man who was always there for me, the one who sent me off for my first prom, screamed and howled at my high school graduation, probably would have walked me down the aisle... and at all the same time the one who didn't HAVE to be there. Troy was my only father figure for so much of my life. he was crazy obnoxious, but isn't that how your parents are supposed to act? he balanced out my mom so well, and we were quite a family together.  

 as a step-daughter, i terrify myself as a step-mom. I was awful to him a lot of the time. i yelled out all the " I HATE YOU!!"s, the "YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!!"s, and the " I NEVER HAD A DAD I DON'T NEED ONE NOW!"s. I know i truly hurt his feelings on more than one occasion. but he always forgave me. I was his daughter and we had a special bond. stuff like that didn't matter at the end.. we were still a family.

I will never forget the day my mom called me and told me Troy was sick. he was in the hospital and it wasn't looking so good. my mom and Troy had broken up a few years prior, but it didn't matter to us. we rushed there the next day to sit next to him in his utmost time of need. he wasn't conscious, but i really hope he knew we were there. we sat there all day with him. laughed with friends and family, and cried all day long. it was one of the hardest thing I've ever had to watch. of course every mean thing i said to him as a pre-teen and all the guilt from time passing is making me crazy. I wish i could take it all back. but you can't. but all and all, i really hope that he knew how much that i cared about him and how important to my life he was. 

it's been 3 years ago today, that he passed away. I still think about him often. he had a set of friends like I've never seen before, who love, miss, and appreciate him all the time. He comes up in conversation, and especially good memories all the time. it is too sad for me to write this today... but i am thanking my lucky stars (and my mom!) for letting him be such a crucial part of my life. I know I would definitely be a different person if it wasn't for him. 

Miss you.

Blast off to THREE!

Hi y'all! Guess who's  back with another random post out of the blue. yep! making a star appearance (on my own site?) after 2 months of missing-ness. let's be real-- I'm a mother of two (sometimes). I work (not often). and I'm just busy being awesome. Reality? Ben plays lots of video games and LJ LOVES the computer. I am not to sit down here while he is awake, or he WILL go ape shit until i pick him up and he smashes the keyboard. with his hands. and head. needless to say, that gets annoying, so, between that and Ben's addiction i really can't get to the computer often. But i miss you guys!

NOW. the real reason I am here today is to talk about how proud I am of this amazing little 3 year old I am helping co-parent. can you even believe he's 3?! it is absolutely crazy to think about how time flies by so fast.

For MONTHS this little smarty pants has been talking about a rocket cake for his birthday. I'd like to think of myself as a new age, just starting out Martha Stewart, so I was going to make one. annnnd that proved to be difficult. his awesome Aunt even tried to whip one up, and, no. it just wasn't happening. so after panicking for a few weeks, i decided to just buy one. he was NOT going to be happy with anything else.

 

your eyes are NOT deceiving you. that is; (rocket shaped) peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and french fries. Not your idea of a gourmet meal? too bad. that's all Gavin eats. who serves food at a birthday party that the birthday boy doesn't even like...? that was also my very first attempt at cake pops. we had fun! i like them and will definitely be doing them in the future. i wanted those to look like earth... but when we tried to put some green on them they turned into a total hot mess so i spared it. oh well!

my sweet little nephew here is modeling our awesome JET PACKS! these were so much fun. for the kids, of course. My sister Ashley and I were up until after 1 am putting these bad boys together, and even sent her husband to the store in the middle of the night for supplies. ( if that's not brother-in-law of the year... i don't know what is!) very pleased with how they turned out. i couldn't get very many pictures of them in action though, because they made the kids run SO FAST! 

Over all, we had so much fun and I was so happy to spend the day with such close family and a few friends. Gavin still talks about his party when he sees people. I love watching him grow and learn, and I am so lucky and thankful to be such an active roll in his life. I think about his future a lot. if the split custody will effect him later in life. if he will resent me... he will resent me. but how much? and when?  i am dreading the day(s) he yells, "YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!" I know it will happen, and I will be sad. but as of now that all he knows is i love him and he loves me... i will snuggle on and make him as happy as i possibly can. He has taught me a lot about being a mom and I will always love him for that! he was my little stepping stool into mommyhood, and i love how much time i get to spend with him. he is now ( and forever) just as much of my son as LJ is. we are a very happy family here in the Smith household! and he is a huge reason. 

 (FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: We have too much shit. seriously. I am a toy hoarder. it's taking over my life!)

Of course one of L's and Aubs making out. for good measure.

'Til next time!

XOXO