Friday, March 8, 2013

my REAL dad.

My biological father has always kind of came in and out of my life as he chose. I allowed it, and was always SO happy when i heard from him again, he randomly came to town to visit, he was moving home again... etc. etc. etc. I was very much a "daddies girl" and it took me far too long to realize he was going to come into my life, and break my heart as he left again, as long as I allowed him. too long in fact. I hadn't heard from him in 4 years til the day my son was born... yeah, right. you do that to me my whole life and you think I'm going to openly allow you to hurt my son like that, too? sorry Daddio, you're in or you're out. you made your choice a long time ago.

Aside from all my monster daddy issues, I'd like to pay tribute to the man who was always there for me, the one who sent me off for my first prom, screamed and howled at my high school graduation, probably would have walked me down the aisle... and at all the same time the one who didn't HAVE to be there. Troy was my only father figure for so much of my life. he was crazy obnoxious, but isn't that how your parents are supposed to act? he balanced out my mom so well, and we were quite a family together.  

 as a step-daughter, i terrify myself as a step-mom. I was awful to him a lot of the time. i yelled out all the " I HATE YOU!!"s, the "YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!!"s, and the " I NEVER HAD A DAD I DON'T NEED ONE NOW!"s. I know i truly hurt his feelings on more than one occasion. but he always forgave me. I was his daughter and we had a special bond. stuff like that didn't matter at the end.. we were still a family.

I will never forget the day my mom called me and told me Troy was sick. he was in the hospital and it wasn't looking so good. my mom and Troy had broken up a few years prior, but it didn't matter to us. we rushed there the next day to sit next to him in his utmost time of need. he wasn't conscious, but i really hope he knew we were there. we sat there all day with him. laughed with friends and family, and cried all day long. it was one of the hardest thing I've ever had to watch. of course every mean thing i said to him as a pre-teen and all the guilt from time passing is making me crazy. I wish i could take it all back. but you can't. but all and all, i really hope that he knew how much that i cared about him and how important to my life he was. 

it's been 3 years ago today, that he passed away. I still think about him often. he had a set of friends like I've never seen before, who love, miss, and appreciate him all the time. He comes up in conversation, and especially good memories all the time. it is too sad for me to write this today... but i am thanking my lucky stars (and my mom!) for letting him be such a crucial part of my life. I know I would definitely be a different person if it wasn't for him. 

Miss you.

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