I'm like a sappy love song

Every time I turn around, it's been like 10 years since my last blog. Truth is, life Is happening and I just can't keep up!!!

I am doing sleep training right now, and holy mother. I've always been stubborn, and just my luck that my sweet boy is just as bad. I have nursed him to sleep his entire 5 months of existence. It was so easy, and HELLO! Attachment parenting for the win. I loved it as much as he did. There was something so relaxing about it. It became unrelaxing when he started waking up more and more and more until he was awake every 45 mins wanting to nurse. It all started about 8 weeks ago, and ended a few nights ago. I was up until 5 am, in tears, and exhausted. I can't fall asleep knowing he's just going to turn around and wake up again!! It was miserable. After researching WAY more than I should have, I came up with a few ways to monitor his day time sleep ( to make sure he's not over tired or too rested) and have not nurses him to sleep in 3 days. It's been hard, for both of us but the sleep we both got yesterday made it worth it! Tonight has not been looking so good, but, fingers crossed.

Moral of today's story, is I haven't really been writing lately because:: 1) life is happening. It doesn't slow for anything! And 2) because i'm an emotional mess. I am so sappy and lovey dovey and I'm just trying to spare you.

It's do crazy when you can look at your child/ren and be so in love every time. Maybe it's because Landon is growing SO (or, too) fast... Or because GAvin is getting SO smart... I am just a big bundle of love and I'm so happy to be where I am. Even when things are hard in the moment, I can look at my kids and be on cloud 9. Even though I miss my old life so much.. My friends, my job, and my independence ( ahem; and my body) I would change anything in the world. I am always just a baby snuggle away from being happy no matter what.

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I'm done. You are spared.)

Being all lovey and smoochy with my babies doesn't make me not tired though, so, I'm going to sleep. It's going to be a long weekend. Also, my app doesn't allow me to add pictures through out , so here's another photo bomb, courtesy of my iPhone.

And then there's days like this...

Welp, LJ's cold is in full force. I took him to the doctor today, and everything is normal (normal cold, that is.). I assumed so, especially because I know this is the cold that Gavin came down with last week. Landon seemed to be feeling much better yesterday... Until last night. Poor baby can't breathe and when he does finally fall asleep, he ends up coughing and wakes him up. He didn't want to play today, and he was SO tired from not sleeping last night. I couldn't fight the nagging feeling in my mind that, what IF there was something worse going on and I didn't take him soon enough. Luckily, we don't have to worry, and although he's still not feeling great I am much more at ease.

He took a late nap today, but since he's so miserable I'm just letting him do whatever he wants, which is a whollle bunch of things Im going to regret next week. Nursing ALL THE TIME.. Sleeping in the swing ( which took a long time to break!) and holding him a lot. I just want the little guy to be as Comfortable as possible. I hate seeing him so miserable :(

As I was just writing about just putting him down and my anxiety levels low, he immediately woke up and now levels are high. Will I ever learn to not jinx things? Sigh. I will sleep again one day...

I planned on strict sleep training this week, working him out of our room and into the crib (even though I think he's more ready for that then I am) and nap training. I'm kinda hoping that his napping issues are what's causing him to not sleep at night, plus I've cut about half of the night feelings out ( yep! Still waking up about every hour at 5 MONTHS!!) so at some point he should hopefully catch on. I'm a lunatic. I need sleep to normalize myself. Ohhh the days I thought being a mom meant snuggling and playing with a sweet baby. Who ever knew there's so many strategies. Shits getting real in mommyhood.

It's coming up on midnight, and I have to get some sleep (or try!). Landon's been down for about 10 minutes without a wake up, so I MIGHT have a stretch of sleep. Unless I just jinxed it again?! I didn't do anything but snuggle and tend to this sweet boy today so I've got some serious damage control to do around the house.

Someone don't be shy and ask to take Landon for a few hours so I can take a nap!! ;)

Xoxo

Anyone have a chill pill?

Well hello blog world!! Unfortunately, I'm iPhone blogging tonight, NOT my favorite way of doing it. But it's 1 am and I just need to babble.

Gavin had a bit of a cold this week, a little cough and a one day baby fevers of a just a smidge over 100. He was pretty calm that day, ( if you know Gavin, you know that's weird!) and didn't get off the couch much. He was more than normal the next day, and annoying as ever. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Ahh at some point I always go crazy. Off track- my point is, LJ had developed a little cough too, and although it sounded icky its not really bad. He was acting completely normal then boom. He puked like 6 times in an hour span. I suddenly came down with a severe case of first time mom syndrome. And it was bad. Im talking this kid was PUKING. Cough, gag, release. It was so sad his poor little body just didn't know how to get it out. He became really drowsy, almost lethargic... He didn't even want to hold his head up and he just laid on my lap with his binkie ( which he NEVER takes from me with out a fight) . I was immediately thinking the worst, and thinking about calling the doctor, taking him to the hospital etc. etc. etc.

My mom held him as he slept for about an hour, so we could monitor how he was acting. He was out so cold I thought he would sleep til morning. But he didn't, and when he woke up he was himself again. Color in his face, babbling, trying to nurse ( I'm sure he was starving!) I was so relieved. I waited another good hour before leaving an he was just fine. He's still coughing a little, but I think (hope!) we're over the puking.

I spent the whole rest of the night being thankful for my sweet little baby. I'm pretty freakin dramatic sometimes, but today just kind of dramatic. I didn't think he was going to die or anything, but I was definitely scared. It's crazy what you take for granted (like your HEALTH!!!) and I'm not sure I will anymore. At least remind my self not too!! All I want to do is snuggle my baby boy right now, but I've been doing some serious sleep training and don't want to throw it all away.

Spent the rest of the night cleaning/ sanitizing the house to get ready to play with Aubrey in the morning! Luckily we were gone all day so all those germs ( and mess.. Hehe) are at my moms house.

Fingers crossed for sleep tonight. My sweet boy is gonna need it, and lord knows this momma hasn't slept in about a year. ( horrible pregnancy = horrible sleeping baby? Can I catch a break please?) I'm going to try whole I can! Goodnight blognerds!!

why HELLO there!

So, my ever so awesome fiance bought me a new iPhone a few weeks ago, and I cancelled my t-mobile account. At that point I lost something that I didn't know know was so important to me... unlimited data. I'm having serious pinterest with drawls, and my fingers could bleed from all the paper cuts I'm getting from bridal magazines. (AKA... online browsing is SO much cooler.) middle of the night breastfeeding... actually any time of the day breastfeeding, is getting boring. I can't even believe how much I miss my phone. I always thought I didn't care about that kind of garbage, but I clearly do. It's been almost a week, and I've got a couple days left til it rolls over. don't hate me facebook, I will return soon...

So nothings new in the world of mommyhood, Ben and I are both not feeling too hot. Landon seems to have his moments, but hes mostly just congested with he wakes up. He has returned to being a nightmare sleeper, so anything hindering his sleep, i.e not being able to breathe, really makes it more difficult for all of us. He has started sleeping two hour intervals again, instead of 20-40 mins like he was, so it's a bit better. and of course he napped today for almost 4 hours... but that does NOT happen at night. I actually don't even want to talk about his sleep habits. it stresses me out  and I have no wine. ( and can't drink it if I did because HE NEVER SLEEPS!! sigh.)

I went to the zoo with my sisters yesterday, it was both of my kids' first time. Gavin was... mostly interested in the rocks and the dirt. but it was still fun! and good memories for my sisters and I (who are beginning to see each other more often, but due to history have not spent our lives together doing fun things like going to the zoo! or knowing each other for that matter.) and also for the kids to get to know their cousins a bit better. I had such a great relationship with most my cousins, and still do today. I love passing that on to my kids!!

Landon is officially 4 months old. I seriously couldn't have dreamt up a cuter baby. I just adore him. hes rolling over belly to back, and now back to belly. next is crawling... I'm not looking forward to that. my little baby and his big ass belly are growing up SO fast. I can't believe at this time last year I had just found out that I was prego. and now my life looks like this. Amazing!

I cleaned the SHIT out of my house today. I love when this place feels like a home. the kids have been so good, and the long naps really helped me too. I wish I had this much time to myself all the time!! (although then I would probably use it for things like a massage, or a nap... still sounds phenomenal.)

I suppose I should get back to slaving away. (Ben told me I was "like" Cinderella today... I am unsure he meant that in a bad way, but, THANKS. She damn near a slave for her evil step-mom and step-sisters... but, I think that was his way of noticing my hard work? I'm unsure, but, I'll take it I guess.)

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I can't upload any pictures from my phone since I'm out of stupid data. and my camera is in the kitchen and... well, I'm not. so no pictures today, but soon!! Don't have cute kid with drawls, I'll get ya next time!!)

xoxo

a stay at home mom can't hire a maid?

Besides the fact that I'm not working, have no income, and am at home all the time, I don't understand why I can't hire someone to clean up after my kids. Holding Landon all day would be a lot cooler if I could just sit around drinking wine and  watching Super Why with Gavin...

I moved in with Ben around July, and was completely out of my apartment by the end of August. I should of done it MONTHS before so, as I was too pregnant to really want to get stuff done. it took too long to get everything unpacked and out of boxes. And even longer to actually put stuff where it belongs. Needless to say, I just found a home for every thing I own, even though most of it went to the thrift store. It wasn't that I didn't want to live with Ben, we had talked about it for quite awhile before it happened, but, I didn't want to hand him my independence on a silver platter AND get rid of all my stuff. ( I did both.) But in all honesty, my pregnancy was a surprise, and we probably would have waited a wee bit longer had this not happened when it did.

Any-whoo, moral of the story is, since it took me so long to get my shit together, it's taken me that much longer to this place under control. I have been searching high and low on the Internet ( *cough cough, PINTEREST*) for some organization tools to help me get my ass into gear. I've been so caught up in wedding dreams, that I allowed my house to continue to take a back seat to real life. and then, I found-- THIS!!!!!

I am totally going to start this in march. It is such an amazing guideline for me to start coming up a daily routine. Clearly, I will not need to do some of the things as often, and I will need to do some more often (like laundry. sigh). On our Gavin weeks, our living room is filled with random toys, and it is so hard to keep the place tidy. Our downstairs is small, and with all of us, the furniture, the baby stuff, and a bunch of random toys (that I am always falling over) it is hard for it to look clean. But I am doing my best. Although Ben accuses me of sitting around doing nothing but watch TV all day, I think I have made great progress around here. I have little set backs when I have Gavin, but the bigger tasks are getting worked on on his off weeks. Looking past all that, I am proud of what this little house is starting to look like. Does someone want to give me a lot of money so I can buy lots of decorative stuff? Please?

In better days. NYE 2011

I am officially looking for some kind of mom's group to take up some of my free time. Being home all the time is really starting to wear on me. Not to mention just about all my "friends" took the high road, because I clearly am not out getting wasted and shaking my ass anymore. (although in all honesty, it would be nice to go out sometimes!!!) It's sad that I thought I had a lot of friendships, but I just had a lot of drinking buddies. I lost a lot of friends when Ben and I got together, because I got "boring" (even though I went out more with him then I ever did before... maybe because I calmed down so much?) and pretty much lost the rest when I got pregnant. I would never ask anyone to change their lives for me. but a little respect that mine changed? yah, whatever.

Luckily, I have a handful of good friends left, a pretty cool family, and some cute kids, so, all that other stuff doesn't matter to me.

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: It has taken me 3 days to finish this blog. I'm just going to end it now because I can't stay on one train of thought!!!)

xoxo

 

This too shall pass.

Tonight, Im on my smart phone... And touch screen is not my friend (as I'm positive you'll. Notice shortly).

I'm using this blogs for friends and family, to track how the boys are growing, and also for myself. It is such a creative outlet, and I do not have all the time to be creative anymore. I was creative for a living, but now I'm just changing smelly diapers. I also am excited to look back on my introduction to mommy hood. So, let's get real.

Life has not exactly been easy for us in the Smith household. Landon was sleeping SO great, down every night at 7:30, sleeping straight til at least 2 am. I was so thankful while working, it's hard regardless to get up with him at night and waking up early for work. That long stretch was so wonderful. Last night, landon was up EVERY HALF HOUR. It was so miserable. I got one "long" stretch, from 11 til 12:30. I have some major anxiety getting to sleep at night, be ause I never know when he's going to wake. I can't ever fall asleep in fear of him waking up right away. Needless to say, I got about no sleep last night.

Today, he didn't take a nap until about 5 pm. And that's only. Because he cried himself to sleep when I was in the shower. Ben had him, but he's so attached to me he freaks out when I'm not around. Sweet, yes. Frustrating, just as much. He has been cluster feeding the past. Couple days. I'm really hoping ( and so are my poor boobs) that tomorrows the lucky day and everything will go back to normal. I really am taking the bad with the good, but sometimes the bad are so hard.

The other day, for the first time, I broke down and told Ben he needed to take him. I just physically couldn't take it anymore. He wouldnt let me put him down ALL DAY LONG. Ben must have known. By the look in my eyes, because he kissed me and told me to go upstairs and take a nap. Although I really. Couldn't, spending the little bit of time alone was all I needed. About 50 minutes later I heard the "I'm hungry" cry, so my time ended. But I was a lot mOre refreshed.

Ben is going to be working a lot more. Wedding planning, a trip to Vegas in a few months, and of course LIFE... It takes a toll on us. I respect and love him so much for being willing to do all of that for our family, but it is hard on me. I don't always have his physical help at home, and miss out on some of the emotional support as well. And by all means, I am so thankful for his ambition. It's just another struggle, but, what isn't? I would much rather miss him during the day and have a roof over our heads and food on the table. I am too lucky to have him.
(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I want to reiterate how thankful I am to have Ben. Again here, the good out weighs the bad. I just miss him is all!)

Today is just another day on my journey. Lands has been sleeping for over an hour, so I'm going to hope for the. Best and rest up too. I'm gonna snuggle up with Muffin and celebrate Friday Bride day on TLC :)

Xoxo!

the show MUST go on

It's official. I'm unemployed. and while I am so excited for the opportunity to stay home and raise my son, I never thought it would be so hard to leave my job. Since I no longer work there, I can say that there was some shady business concerning my maternity leave, and it definately made it easier to go. I still respect the company (just not the devil running the district), so I won't go into details. I only shed a few tears, and left the entire first chapter of my adulthood behind.

I feel a bit in a "crisis mode"... as dramatic as that sounds. I always knew I wanted to be a merchandiser. Leaving such a big part of my life, even though I'm doing something so much more important is hard. F21 is has been a part of me, and it's almost like I feel lost. As if I have lost a bit of self-worth.

Via text message to a close friend, I mention, "I don't know who I am anymore!" half joking, half dead serious. He responds, " you're a beautiful talented merchandiser who refused to be taken for granted!! you are strong and courageous, fierce, intuitive and creative. you're a fiance', my close friend, and a new mother, with a brand new future waiting your arrival. Remember?"

how could I have forgotten.

I am so lucky to have friends to put me in my place. My life is not over, only, just beginning. I love my son so much more than I loved my career, and I learned so much and was able to meet so many people, travel, perfected my resume, and am on my way to a much better future. If I didn't have people like Dominique in my life, I would be lost. It feels good to know I made REAL friends from this experience!!

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I wrote this on the last day of work at F21. I never finished it, but going to post anyway!)

And I have also decided... I refuse to let WHAT I DO to define who I am. That job was another step in this amaze life that I live. On the the next!!

xoxo

Day and Night :)