This too shall pass.

Tonight, Im on my smart phone... And touch screen is not my friend (as I'm positive you'll. Notice shortly).

I'm using this blogs for friends and family, to track how the boys are growing, and also for myself. It is such a creative outlet, and I do not have all the time to be creative anymore. I was creative for a living, but now I'm just changing smelly diapers. I also am excited to look back on my introduction to mommy hood. So, let's get real.

Life has not exactly been easy for us in the Smith household. Landon was sleeping SO great, down every night at 7:30, sleeping straight til at least 2 am. I was so thankful while working, it's hard regardless to get up with him at night and waking up early for work. That long stretch was so wonderful. Last night, landon was up EVERY HALF HOUR. It was so miserable. I got one "long" stretch, from 11 til 12:30. I have some major anxiety getting to sleep at night, be ause I never know when he's going to wake. I can't ever fall asleep in fear of him waking up right away. Needless to say, I got about no sleep last night.

Today, he didn't take a nap until about 5 pm. And that's only. Because he cried himself to sleep when I was in the shower. Ben had him, but he's so attached to me he freaks out when I'm not around. Sweet, yes. Frustrating, just as much. He has been cluster feeding the past. Couple days. I'm really hoping ( and so are my poor boobs) that tomorrows the lucky day and everything will go back to normal. I really am taking the bad with the good, but sometimes the bad are so hard.

The other day, for the first time, I broke down and told Ben he needed to take him. I just physically couldn't take it anymore. He wouldnt let me put him down ALL DAY LONG. Ben must have known. By the look in my eyes, because he kissed me and told me to go upstairs and take a nap. Although I really. Couldn't, spending the little bit of time alone was all I needed. About 50 minutes later I heard the "I'm hungry" cry, so my time ended. But I was a lot mOre refreshed.

Ben is going to be working a lot more. Wedding planning, a trip to Vegas in a few months, and of course LIFE... It takes a toll on us. I respect and love him so much for being willing to do all of that for our family, but it is hard on me. I don't always have his physical help at home, and miss out on some of the emotional support as well. And by all means, I am so thankful for his ambition. It's just another struggle, but, what isn't? I would much rather miss him during the day and have a roof over our heads and food on the table. I am too lucky to have him.
(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I want to reiterate how thankful I am to have Ben. Again here, the good out weighs the bad. I just miss him is all!)

Today is just another day on my journey. Lands has been sleeping for over an hour, so I'm going to hope for the. Best and rest up too. I'm gonna snuggle up with Muffin and celebrate Friday Bride day on TLC :)

Xoxo!

the show MUST go on

It's official. I'm unemployed. and while I am so excited for the opportunity to stay home and raise my son, I never thought it would be so hard to leave my job. Since I no longer work there, I can say that there was some shady business concerning my maternity leave, and it definately made it easier to go. I still respect the company (just not the devil running the district), so I won't go into details. I only shed a few tears, and left the entire first chapter of my adulthood behind.

I feel a bit in a "crisis mode"... as dramatic as that sounds. I always knew I wanted to be a merchandiser. Leaving such a big part of my life, even though I'm doing something so much more important is hard. F21 is has been a part of me, and it's almost like I feel lost. As if I have lost a bit of self-worth.

Via text message to a close friend, I mention, "I don't know who I am anymore!" half joking, half dead serious. He responds, " you're a beautiful talented merchandiser who refused to be taken for granted!! you are strong and courageous, fierce, intuitive and creative. you're a fiance', my close friend, and a new mother, with a brand new future waiting your arrival. Remember?"

how could I have forgotten.

I am so lucky to have friends to put me in my place. My life is not over, only, just beginning. I love my son so much more than I loved my career, and I learned so much and was able to meet so many people, travel, perfected my resume, and am on my way to a much better future. If I didn't have people like Dominique in my life, I would be lost. It feels good to know I made REAL friends from this experience!!

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I wrote this on the last day of work at F21. I never finished it, but going to post anyway!)

And I have also decided... I refuse to let WHAT I DO to define who I am. That job was another step in this amaze life that I live. On the the next!!

xoxo

Day and Night :)

"just" a MOM!

Yesterday, I started officially being a stay at home mom! I must say, I feel sort of... empty? It's weird being unemployed. I never have been... never thought I would be. But I must say, being "just" a mom feels so good!! ( i quote "just" because, some days it's harder work than an 8-5. and SOO much more rewarding!!)

It is also valentines day, and my awesome little sister has offered to watch LJ for us so we can go to dinner and a movie!! almost like old times. We aren't doing anything crazy, because... I got pregnant last year on valentines day while Ben came to stay with me in Canada, while I was doing a new store opening. that was the first Valentines day we had big plans, and I'm pretty sure that will be our LAST. But getting some couple time in tonight will be so refreshing! and we really need it.

in OTHER NEWS.... my little boy ROLLED OVER for the first time on sunday! I was SO excited and it came out of no where. he had never even attempted it before. I put him down, and BOOM. on his back. I was so excited!!

I am so proud of him, and love to watch him grow. But there is a small part of me that wants him to stay little forever. I often wonder what he will be like, even when hes just Gavin's age. He is reaching all his milestones on time ( and some early) and I just can't get enough of him! every day is something different. I am so in love with him.

He loves his feetsies. I love his little fat leg rolls.



(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I just got an iPhone. Expect loads of fun stuff to see! Happy V-day to me!!!)

I better get back to "work"... gotta get the kitchen clean before Dad gets home! :)

xoxo

my life never slows.

Never thought about the day I would blog about leaving my job. and today, I am!!!

I swore I would never want to be a stay at home mom. I've been with forever 21 for 4 1/2 years, and I absolutely LOVE what I do. I've been merchandising for about 3 1/2 of those years. for some reason getting that store looking fresh really gets my jollies off. Managing is not really my "thing"... but managing a group of people who are passionate about the same thing I am passionate about doesn't bother me. And my friends/ co-workers are the best. (118) seriously, If i didn't have my F21 "family", I am positive I could count my friends on one hand. Now I need both ;)

shortly after having Landon, Ben and I talked about the potential of me staying home with the kids. I was a little sketchy about moving to a new store after my maternity leave, and a little defeated that I wasn't going to be running the brand spankin' new Alderwood store. We would save a buttload of money on daycare, and I would be able to spend the much needed one on one time with my kids. I am sure we could have found a great day care, but I liked the idea of doing all of the work. I am officially on day 7 of my 10 days left at Forever, and it is so bitter sweet. I am so excited to be able to be with Landon everyday. My brother noted the other day how much he felt like Gavin was learning ( that boy is freakishly smart... mostly him but good to think I had something to do with it) and he has been MUCH more well behaved in the past month or so. I am so sad to leave what I love to do, but I love being a mom more. Being with my kids makes me so happy!

Landon just had his three month "birthday", and I can't believe how much he's growing!! he is so sweet. he just recently found his voice, and believe it or not he talks more than I do. I noticed today when I put Gavin into his bath that the boys have the same feet. Clearly they came from Ben, but I was still surprised to see bigger version of LJ's feet on his brother!

 I'm 3 months old today!!! 1/31/12

Being a momI h and a full time worker is ridiculously hard. I wake up early, get dressed, feed and get Landon ( and this week Gavin too) dressed, pump, pack up, drop baby off, sit in traffic for an hour... work, work, work! I feel constantly tense and SO tired. Getting up so often with the baby gives no excuse to running late to work. it's exhausting. Being a mom is a hard job. Being a working mom, is the hardest job. it's like working 24 hours a day. Makes me respect the working mom a lot more.

 My Aunt is awesome and I'm a cute little drooly fat boy :)

I have to say, I am probably the luckiest girl in the world to have Ben. Not only does he love me ( and my post baby bod!), but he is willing to take care of me 100% because that's what I want. Life isn't as romantic and snuggly as it used to be around here, but we are so in love and I love him more every single day. I cannot wait to marry *cough cough-- trap * him and call him my husband!!!

Landon looks just like me as a baby in this picture. Ben teases me because he... well, looks like a little red head devil baby. BUT I think it is so cute :)

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I was a red haired devil baby... and so is my son :) )

Looks like that's all for today, I've got a bunch of boys to take care of and I would LOVE to get some sleep tonight!! xoxo

 

 

I promise, you DO have something to live for.

As I have mentioned before, I like to keep this blog upbeat. I try to be silly, funny, and happy. But today, I am not silly, having fun, or happy.

Something that I don't think a lot of people know about me, is that on Thanksgiving day of 1999, my Aunt Randi took her own life. I didn't understand... I was just 13, and I thought only "crazy" people did that. My Aunt wasn't crazy... she was beautiful, funny, rich... one of the most amazing people I ever knew. (and still is, to this day.) She was sick, very sick, and it was a well kept secret to much of the family. She didn't want anyone to know about the darkness in her life. Everything seemed fine. She was 44.

I think it was a surprise to everyone when we found out. I never saw an ounce of sadness in her. She was much stronger than she gave herself credit for. I never really did tell anyone when I was younger. I, for some reason, thought I should be ashamed that this happened in our family. Why is the topic of suicide so taboo? I am so embarrassed that I thought I should be embarrassed. There is nothing embarrassing about my Aunt's beautiful life, or that fact that she fell very ill. We miss her so much, and I still think about her often to this day. I don't have a ton of vivid memories of being 13, but I remember the moment I heard the news. I remember her life, and I remember how angelic she looked in her casket. I wish that she could have received more of the help she needed. I wish I could see her again.

And now, just two days ago, I heard of an old friend who had also ended his life. I am saddened immensely by this news. Although he was not an active part of my life anymore, he was part of my life all the same. We became very close very fast, and have lost touch over the years. I am sad that I didn't have a closer relationship with him, but  I understand that that's life.You never know when you are out of time. 

I am unsure what could have been so horrible for a 25 year old to want to end his own life. My heart breaks at the thought of him being so miserable, that he didn't want to live anymore. I would be lying if I said a very small part of me isn't relieved that he is no longer in pain. I cannot imagine what he was going through. He was one of the most passionate, family oriented people I had ever known. Nothing in the world was more important to him then his mom, brother and sisters, and his nephews. Although it has been a few years since we have seen each other, I will never forget his passion for the things he cared about. I am so happy to be able to have called him a friend. Nothing can take back the memories we shared, and I am so lucky to have them.

Unfortunately, depression and chemical imbalances are something not a lot of people talk about, embarrassed about, or don't take seriously. I am unsure of what happened with my friend. But I bet that he either reached out to someone and they didn't take him seriously, or, he was too embarrassed to speak up. This happens too often, and no one deserves to feel this way. I wish there was more suicide awareness, so people knew where to turn when they or someone else needs help. I can't change the world, but I plan on doing what I can to help.

A few of my friends are grieving a lot right now. so for them, or anyone who has experienced this is the past, a website for support-- Here.

National suicide hotline is 1.800.273.TALK. if you or someone you know needs help, USE THIS. I just want everyone to know that you are worth it.

THIS is a list of suicide hotlines/clinics IN Washington.

I don't think I am going to save any lives with this post. But I want to spread awareness of this issue because this IS HAPPENING! and with every life lost, they leave behind of world of hurt for their friends and family. As I sit here with my 3 month old son, I can't help but to think that my friend is his mom's SON. She birthed him, held him, soothed and took care of him... and he was her baby. I can't even start to imagine the pain his mother is in, and my heart is heavy for her.

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I am NOT looking for sympathy. I am so sad for the loss of my friend, but this is NOT about me. this is about him, and his family. He left us too soon and he will be truely missed by everyone who knew him. So happy that I had the chance)

Moral of the story is hold your loved ones close!! you never know when your time is up, and you should cherish who you have, and take TOO many pictures!! moments like this are timeless.

Times we won't remember, with people we will never forget!! RIP MDB

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!

xoxo

Im going to raise my own son now, but thanks.

I vowed to always keep this blog positive, because, positive is as positive does. ( close enough??) I really have nothing negative going on currently in my life, and theres no need to be a crabby pants just because I'm having a bad day. BUT-- I have to rant. I can't take it anymore.

I have opted out of talking about my kids on facebook anymore. I CANNOT stand peoples opinions. This really isn't just facebook, it's everywhere. but I can't exactly never talk about my kids to anyone.

If I said, geeze, LJ won't sleep, does someone have any ideas? then by all means, let me know what helps you. But, my son is not your baby, and what works for you may not work for us... and just because we are having a bad night doesn't mean I completely don't know what I'm doing. yes I am a new mom, but I can't stand being bombarded by everyone else's opinions. I have a pediatrician. I've read the books. I do the research. I'm not an idiot.

If I said, ' MAN, Landon is so hungry'... this happens--

'YOU'RE NOT MAKING ENOUGH MILK" " YOU SHOULD STOP BREASTFEEDING" "HE SHOULDN'T BE EATING THAT MUCH" " TRY FORMULA" " ARE YOU SURE HE'S HUNGRY?" "GIVE HIM A CHEESEBURGER INSTEAD."

I appreciate the SUPPORT i am getting from friends, but PLEASE for the LOVE OF GOD... Let me raise my own son.

I really am not trying to say I know everything.. just kind of stating that neither do you. I still swaddle. I nurse and/or rock him to sleep. I wrap him in a BLANKET and keep it so it touches his cheek, just the way he likes it. He sleeps in a sleep and play rocker, because he doesn't like his crib. I feed on demand. I pick him up when he cries, and REFUSE to let him cry it out at 3 months. I sure many of you won't like these things. Then go ahead, call CPS.

I have feet.

I just want to say again, that I am aware that I do not know everything. I am positive that there is a million things I could do differently. But as of now, I am doing whats best for myself and Landon. I am happy with the way things are going, and how he's growing and learning, and I am also happy for other people who achieved this in different ways. So, when I start putting vodka in his bottle to put him to sleep, feel free to pipe up. until then, mind your business :)

and please don't get all butthurt about this. I don't mean to piss anyone off, or hurt any feelings... I'm just trying to put out there that the things people say to one another, can be frustrating. I love this little nugget, and I wouldn't do anything to hurt or harm him. If I need help, believe I will reach out to you, to the doctor, to who ever I need to, but for now... both my kids are napping peacefully and I'm gonna go downstairs and get drunk.

I'm awesome, and my mommy's doing just fine.



On a brighter note, Landon's sleeping 5-8 straight hours ALMOST every night. I've been able to relax often, and way entirely too much Say yes to the dress.  I have to go back to work on Monday, and I am so dreading it. Not to mention, those people have no idea whats going on and won't even let me know when I should show up. Here's to going somewhere new and picking up the pieces... AGAIN!!! I've got something up my sleeve though... stay tuned :)

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I am not going to be getting wasted while my kids are napping. Please un-bunch your panties and take a chill pill)

my new fave wedding site says 835 days til my wedding! which means, about 500 days til I really get to get excited. fml. that's all for now!

xoxo

where did my glam life go??

If you would have asked me at this exact time last year, I would not tell you my life would be how it actually turned out. I was going out and drinking my little (much bigger and shaplier then) butt off, going on business trips, looking pretty, getting frisky with my boyfriend when ever i felt like it... etc. etc. little did I know that my life was going to change FOREVER in just a few short weeks.

I was always a work-a-holic. I have been working since 14, and pretty consistantly had two jobs since I was 16. I was, and am still to this day, unsure of where I exactly I wanted to take all this job experience, but I loved staying busy. I had the occasional lazy days, when I could... but I never thought I would be in my pajamas all day everyday... until now. ( because thats exactly what I do!)

Some of my work friendsies <3 ( In Winnipeg,CA. about 8 weeks prego!!)

I feel bad, a lot, because when Ben comes home from work I STILL look like I just rolled out of bed. I usually don't shower untill dinner time ( when I get one!) and I change out of my p.j's just to throw on some clean ones. Don't get me wrong, I NEVER look like this in public. Not even having a newborn and a two year old is an excuse to look like a hot mess in public. I refuse to let people KNOW I am a lazy bum. (Even though I just told the world. but TRUST me.. you'll NEVER see it ;) ) I would love Ben to come home to a beautiful fiance, with a super clean house, and children that behave. But, unfortunately, we're going to have to work on that.

I have two kids and my life is a mess. I barely have any pictures of me and Landon, because I never want to remember what a mess I am!! everyones roles are a little crazy around here. I have a big boy who thinks hes a baby...

And a baby who thinks he's a big boy...

See, even my kids wear jammies all day.

And Ben and I... well, I don't know who we are anymore. It's a beautiful disaster.

I  used to pride myself on looking presentable. Not in a super materialistic kind of way, but when I look good, I feel good. Wedge boots make me very happy. Dresses and tights make me feel like a girl. I just love fashion, and love dressing up. And now, since I'm exclusively breast feeding, I cant even leave the house with out a button up shirt on. (luckily I have a few)

I love that baby so much, but DAMN YOU FOR RUINING MY BODY AND MY SENSE OF STYLE!!!

But, at the end of the day, I can get all of that stuff back, and for now I will just (try) to enjoy my kids, and watch them grow and learn. Every milestone amazes me. Plus I have this to look forward to every other week..

             

my life may be completely different, but I wouldn't change it for the world!!

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I would change my body though. how did my hips get this freakin' wide?!? and I would love my boobs back too!)

xoxo