I promise, you DO have something to live for.

As I have mentioned before, I like to keep this blog upbeat. I try to be silly, funny, and happy. But today, I am not silly, having fun, or happy.

Something that I don't think a lot of people know about me, is that on Thanksgiving day of 1999, my Aunt Randi took her own life. I didn't understand... I was just 13, and I thought only "crazy" people did that. My Aunt wasn't crazy... she was beautiful, funny, rich... one of the most amazing people I ever knew. (and still is, to this day.) She was sick, very sick, and it was a well kept secret to much of the family. She didn't want anyone to know about the darkness in her life. Everything seemed fine. She was 44.

I think it was a surprise to everyone when we found out. I never saw an ounce of sadness in her. She was much stronger than she gave herself credit for. I never really did tell anyone when I was younger. I, for some reason, thought I should be ashamed that this happened in our family. Why is the topic of suicide so taboo? I am so embarrassed that I thought I should be embarrassed. There is nothing embarrassing about my Aunt's beautiful life, or that fact that she fell very ill. We miss her so much, and I still think about her often to this day. I don't have a ton of vivid memories of being 13, but I remember the moment I heard the news. I remember her life, and I remember how angelic she looked in her casket. I wish that she could have received more of the help she needed. I wish I could see her again.

And now, just two days ago, I heard of an old friend who had also ended his life. I am saddened immensely by this news. Although he was not an active part of my life anymore, he was part of my life all the same. We became very close very fast, and have lost touch over the years. I am sad that I didn't have a closer relationship with him, but  I understand that that's life.You never know when you are out of time. 

I am unsure what could have been so horrible for a 25 year old to want to end his own life. My heart breaks at the thought of him being so miserable, that he didn't want to live anymore. I would be lying if I said a very small part of me isn't relieved that he is no longer in pain. I cannot imagine what he was going through. He was one of the most passionate, family oriented people I had ever known. Nothing in the world was more important to him then his mom, brother and sisters, and his nephews. Although it has been a few years since we have seen each other, I will never forget his passion for the things he cared about. I am so happy to be able to have called him a friend. Nothing can take back the memories we shared, and I am so lucky to have them.

Unfortunately, depression and chemical imbalances are something not a lot of people talk about, embarrassed about, or don't take seriously. I am unsure of what happened with my friend. But I bet that he either reached out to someone and they didn't take him seriously, or, he was too embarrassed to speak up. This happens too often, and no one deserves to feel this way. I wish there was more suicide awareness, so people knew where to turn when they or someone else needs help. I can't change the world, but I plan on doing what I can to help.

A few of my friends are grieving a lot right now. so for them, or anyone who has experienced this is the past, a website for support-- Here.

National suicide hotline is 1.800.273.TALK. if you or someone you know needs help, USE THIS. I just want everyone to know that you are worth it.

THIS is a list of suicide hotlines/clinics IN Washington.

I don't think I am going to save any lives with this post. But I want to spread awareness of this issue because this IS HAPPENING! and with every life lost, they leave behind of world of hurt for their friends and family. As I sit here with my 3 month old son, I can't help but to think that my friend is his mom's SON. She birthed him, held him, soothed and took care of him... and he was her baby. I can't even start to imagine the pain his mother is in, and my heart is heavy for her.

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I am NOT looking for sympathy. I am so sad for the loss of my friend, but this is NOT about me. this is about him, and his family. He left us too soon and he will be truely missed by everyone who knew him. So happy that I had the chance)

Moral of the story is hold your loved ones close!! you never know when your time is up, and you should cherish who you have, and take TOO many pictures!! moments like this are timeless.

Times we won't remember, with people we will never forget!! RIP MDB

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!

xoxo

Im going to raise my own son now, but thanks.

I vowed to always keep this blog positive, because, positive is as positive does. ( close enough??) I really have nothing negative going on currently in my life, and theres no need to be a crabby pants just because I'm having a bad day. BUT-- I have to rant. I can't take it anymore.

I have opted out of talking about my kids on facebook anymore. I CANNOT stand peoples opinions. This really isn't just facebook, it's everywhere. but I can't exactly never talk about my kids to anyone.

If I said, geeze, LJ won't sleep, does someone have any ideas? then by all means, let me know what helps you. But, my son is not your baby, and what works for you may not work for us... and just because we are having a bad night doesn't mean I completely don't know what I'm doing. yes I am a new mom, but I can't stand being bombarded by everyone else's opinions. I have a pediatrician. I've read the books. I do the research. I'm not an idiot.

If I said, ' MAN, Landon is so hungry'... this happens--

'YOU'RE NOT MAKING ENOUGH MILK" " YOU SHOULD STOP BREASTFEEDING" "HE SHOULDN'T BE EATING THAT MUCH" " TRY FORMULA" " ARE YOU SURE HE'S HUNGRY?" "GIVE HIM A CHEESEBURGER INSTEAD."

I appreciate the SUPPORT i am getting from friends, but PLEASE for the LOVE OF GOD... Let me raise my own son.

I really am not trying to say I know everything.. just kind of stating that neither do you. I still swaddle. I nurse and/or rock him to sleep. I wrap him in a BLANKET and keep it so it touches his cheek, just the way he likes it. He sleeps in a sleep and play rocker, because he doesn't like his crib. I feed on demand. I pick him up when he cries, and REFUSE to let him cry it out at 3 months. I sure many of you won't like these things. Then go ahead, call CPS.

I have feet.

I just want to say again, that I am aware that I do not know everything. I am positive that there is a million things I could do differently. But as of now, I am doing whats best for myself and Landon. I am happy with the way things are going, and how he's growing and learning, and I am also happy for other people who achieved this in different ways. So, when I start putting vodka in his bottle to put him to sleep, feel free to pipe up. until then, mind your business :)

and please don't get all butthurt about this. I don't mean to piss anyone off, or hurt any feelings... I'm just trying to put out there that the things people say to one another, can be frustrating. I love this little nugget, and I wouldn't do anything to hurt or harm him. If I need help, believe I will reach out to you, to the doctor, to who ever I need to, but for now... both my kids are napping peacefully and I'm gonna go downstairs and get drunk.

I'm awesome, and my mommy's doing just fine.



On a brighter note, Landon's sleeping 5-8 straight hours ALMOST every night. I've been able to relax often, and way entirely too much Say yes to the dress.  I have to go back to work on Monday, and I am so dreading it. Not to mention, those people have no idea whats going on and won't even let me know when I should show up. Here's to going somewhere new and picking up the pieces... AGAIN!!! I've got something up my sleeve though... stay tuned :)

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I am not going to be getting wasted while my kids are napping. Please un-bunch your panties and take a chill pill)

my new fave wedding site says 835 days til my wedding! which means, about 500 days til I really get to get excited. fml. that's all for now!

xoxo

where did my glam life go??

If you would have asked me at this exact time last year, I would not tell you my life would be how it actually turned out. I was going out and drinking my little (much bigger and shaplier then) butt off, going on business trips, looking pretty, getting frisky with my boyfriend when ever i felt like it... etc. etc. little did I know that my life was going to change FOREVER in just a few short weeks.

I was always a work-a-holic. I have been working since 14, and pretty consistantly had two jobs since I was 16. I was, and am still to this day, unsure of where I exactly I wanted to take all this job experience, but I loved staying busy. I had the occasional lazy days, when I could... but I never thought I would be in my pajamas all day everyday... until now. ( because thats exactly what I do!)

Some of my work friendsies <3 ( In Winnipeg,CA. about 8 weeks prego!!)

I feel bad, a lot, because when Ben comes home from work I STILL look like I just rolled out of bed. I usually don't shower untill dinner time ( when I get one!) and I change out of my p.j's just to throw on some clean ones. Don't get me wrong, I NEVER look like this in public. Not even having a newborn and a two year old is an excuse to look like a hot mess in public. I refuse to let people KNOW I am a lazy bum. (Even though I just told the world. but TRUST me.. you'll NEVER see it ;) ) I would love Ben to come home to a beautiful fiance, with a super clean house, and children that behave. But, unfortunately, we're going to have to work on that.

I have two kids and my life is a mess. I barely have any pictures of me and Landon, because I never want to remember what a mess I am!! everyones roles are a little crazy around here. I have a big boy who thinks hes a baby...

And a baby who thinks he's a big boy...

See, even my kids wear jammies all day.

And Ben and I... well, I don't know who we are anymore. It's a beautiful disaster.

I  used to pride myself on looking presentable. Not in a super materialistic kind of way, but when I look good, I feel good. Wedge boots make me very happy. Dresses and tights make me feel like a girl. I just love fashion, and love dressing up. And now, since I'm exclusively breast feeding, I cant even leave the house with out a button up shirt on. (luckily I have a few)

I love that baby so much, but DAMN YOU FOR RUINING MY BODY AND MY SENSE OF STYLE!!!

But, at the end of the day, I can get all of that stuff back, and for now I will just (try) to enjoy my kids, and watch them grow and learn. Every milestone amazes me. Plus I have this to look forward to every other week..

             

my life may be completely different, but I wouldn't change it for the world!!

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I would change my body though. how did my hips get this freakin' wide?!? and I would love my boobs back too!)

xoxo

I'm getting MARRIED!!

Today marks Ben and my two year anniversary. We have literally been through everything... so many ups, and SOO many downs. we had a rough start. but something was holding us together even when I thought it was not going to work out of the best.

Although that was the past, and very small details on our road to happiness. we have grown so much in the past two years, and we have only grown closer together. at first, I knew that I loved him differently then I have ever loved before, but I didn't know it was a spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you kind of love. but I quickly learned.

Ben had been putting together a dinner for both of our families. both sets of parents, his sister, her husband, and their kids. Family is important to both of us, so I loved the idea of everyone getting together and spending time together. the mixing of families was so much fun to me. All of the sudden, Ben makes a speech about how happy he was that everyone could make it. he went on to talk about how our anniversary was in a few days and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. So sweet, and I immediately started tearing up just at that. he then proceeded to get out of his chair, pull a box out of his pocket, get down on one knee and ask me to be his wife. I THOUGHT I DIED. to be honest I think I blacked out for a second. I have been replaying and replaying and replaying this in my mind. I can't stop thinking about it, and I couldn't be happier.

Now and forever, I get to have Benjamin right next to me, and this rock on my hand--

I WISH a photograph could do this ring justice. It can't. I tried.



                                             

now I can't get weddings off my mind. we haven't talked about details yet, but I am still obsessed with them. I cannot stop thinking about what I want to do, who's going to be there, when it is, what I will be wearing... so much to check out and I am so excited. I hope to get to celebrate with Benny this weekend so we can spend some time together without and kids around. I am so excited he wants to spend his life with me... I just want to smother him. but, in a good way.

my new family :)

Ben and I are so lucky to have a family like we do. the support we are receiving is tremendous! Even when we surprised everyone by announcing my pregnancy. They have so far been by our side and rooting for us through everything we have gone through. I am so thankful for all of them, and so lucky to get a great set of in-laws!!

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him!!! we are going to do some amazing things together!! &hearts; &hearts; &hearts;

a SNOW DAY!!

Yesterday, I went out to lunch with a good friend, Elyse, and it was snaining. (get it? snow/rain?!) athough we were watching out the windowing, and seeing the now progressively get heavier and heavier, I really didn't think we would get as much as we did!! I was a little nervous to drive my car, because, I'm from the northwest and clearly just can't drive, my car is small and quite stupid, and I had Landon in the back seat (that was the worst part for me). We were only a few blocks away, and main roads are fine. AS SOON as I attempted to turn up the small hill to my house, cars were stuck sliding back down, trying to turn around, and all over the road. Ben knew a different way that I didn't know, and suggested that. Although, just a big of a hill sat on that side and there was no way we were making it up. Long story short, we had to lug Landon through the snow and walk up the hill ( in heels, go figure) to a point where Ben could meet us and pick us up. I definitely won worst mom of the year award with that one. but, he was nice and warm and didn't even wake up.

Ben had Gavin in the car with him when he came to meet us, and Gav was SO stinkin' excited. he has never seen real snow before, and I think it was the coolest thing that has ever happened to him. and it ended up being cool for us, Ben loves the snow and went to the liquor store and bought some cake vodka ( yes, I ABSOLUTELY said cake vodka. delish) and we had a little slumber party with Elyse. ( more like Elyse and I getting drunk, watching Miss America pagent, toddlers and tiaras, and say yes to the dress. a big win in my book.)

We left the blinds open, and all night he stood at the back door saying, SNOW?! DARK OUTSIDE? he wanted to play, and of coarse we took him out this morning before breakfast.

                                              trying to catch snowflakes on his tounge, obvs.

He was slightly confused as to what this snow stuff was or what to do with it, but he knew it was cool. He kind of just stood around until Ben threw a snowball at the shed. it was on after that.

I have seriously not had such an exciting snow day since I was in highschool. I actually highly dislike the snow, but had so much fun watching Gavin explore.

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I only liked snow days in school to GET OUT of school. snow never made me happy. but neither did school.)

So glad it was our week with Gavin and we got to expierence this with him! this is just another one of those sappy moments that makes me so happy to be a mom. little things like this really is what its about!!

til next time!
xoxo

GAVIN TURNS 2!!!

Today we celebrated Gavin's second birthday, and we had a blast!!! We are so lucky to be able to spend times like this with both of our families! Gavin's birthday was on thursday, but we just got him back from his moms house today, and went straight into party mode!!

I cant believe he's two. time is flying by! a little background for you... I met Ben less than a month before Gavin was born. I liked hanging out with him, but it clearly wasn't going to work, because hello! I was not getting involved in that. so I thought. we were having a good time spending time together, and although it felt right, i knew it couldn't be. Ben was actually sleeping at my house the day the Gavin's mom went into labor, I had to wake him up to take the phone calls. I can't lie about it, I cried the day Gavin was born. Not because he had arrived, but because I knew that Ben's life had changed, and I was on the outside. I was happy for him, but sad because our little love affair would be over. ( and by love affair, I don't mean an ACTUAL affair. that girl got pregnant just by luck. well, and on purpose.)

it took less than a week to hear from Ben, and I was stoked. He still had time, and wanted to hang out with me. I still thought lightly, but i was excited to have him as a part of my life. even when we started dating just 2 weeks after Gavin was born, I still knew that I would never be more than second in his life, but we were having fun in the mean time. I never thought that within weeks into our relationship, we would fall so hard for eachother, and me for that baby!!

this is the first crappy cell phone picture I ever took of the sweet boy. maybe around 6 weeks old?

he was always such a good baby. makes Landon look like the spawn of Satan, actually. he never cried, slept through the night at like 8 weeks old. made easing into it that much easier.

fast forward two years, and we have raised a handsome little tantrum thrower! hes good when hes good, and well, not so much when hes naughty. terrible twos bit us in and ass and FAST!

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: PHOTO BOMB! WATCH OUTTT!)

we had a great time time, with a really good turn out! almost every one we invited showed up. I am so lucky to have great support in such a crazy time in my life. a lot of people who don't have to love him, do, and couldnt be happier about it. that boy has it made for life. hes got a lot of loving! ( and cake)

my mom has this sweet oreo cookie cake pan. big win. and DELISH.

On Gavin's first birthday. he had to eat his cake with a spoon. now hes a dirty two year old, and smashing cake in your face is cool!!!

this, is the ever so trendy Jordyn. what other 6 year old do you know that rocks faux fur???

My little Landy Pants and his Auntie Amanda! little bugger slept damn near the whole time. he let his big brother have all the attention :)

fortunately for you all, Ben SUCKS at taking pictures. so this is all for now :)

thanks a bunch to everyone who came out to celebrate!! we had so much fun and LOTS of new great toys to play with!!!

xoxo

are people serious?

So, it's no secret that as a newly stay at home mom with a very clingy little mommas boy, I have no idea what to do with my (not) spare time. i spend my entire days with a baby attached to my ta-tas, and when hes not eating hes smiling at me and i CANNOT look away. its a serious obsession. with that being said, I spend a lot of my time on a sweet site called babycenter.com. i am sure all my mommy friends are familiar with this place. I belong to a "club" where all the woman had little nuggets in october of last year, as I did. there is a ton of great info, and even better arguments between sleep deprived women. I usually stay in the background-- i just enjoy reading other peoples drama. I've seriously got nothing else to do with my life right now, and there is a good stretch of the day when there is nothing on tv :)

anyhoo, i read a post from a woman  who was seeking help to report a facebook page. i read the page and this is what i found--

disgusting.           <-----LINK.

I do not know the background on this poor kid, except for that he had died from heart diesease. I do not know who this asshole is that made this page, but it seriously has to go away. I cannot imagine how Ben's ( Ben being the boy who died, not my Ben) family would feel, knowing someone was carrying so much hate and making a big joke about the loss of him. Maybe its because I'm a new mom... but my heart goes out to them and I want nothing more than to see this page go away. seriously, disgusting.

it does take me back to a place that I don't like. When Perry was taken from us, his friends and family spent their time and energy putting up a memorial site at the crash location. I remember easter morning ( i could be wrong... but i really remember the news cast being on easter) his family called me and said to watch the news because the crosses, the pictures, the balloons etc. had all been removed. someone had that much hate in their hearts to ruin what was keeping Perry alive in our minds. I was so hurt by these actions, I can not image how the Phelps family felt. I remember the tears, and the times we went up and placed more and more things up there, just to be taken down again that same night. they even dug a 3ft hole in the ground, and CEMENTED a cross into the ground. they tied it to a tailgate and yanked it out of the ground. how could you want to ruin something so beautiful, for such a beautiful person?

this picture always kind of bothered me, because i was smiling so big. but truth is, i loved being at the site surrounded by so much love for him. he really has a big piece of my heart and I felt better here. it completely breaks my heart that it is gone.

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: Perry was my first love. we got through that and had a great friendship from there on out. I miss him terribly. I still have a great relationship with his family and am so thankful to have them to keep him so close in my heart)

moral of the story here, is hatred is so rediculous. especially when they are gone! let this poor boy rest in peace, and let his family mourn without your attributes!! please go to this page and help report it. I am hoping it to be gone by the time any of you look to see it... but the odds are we need your help. and email him and call him an asshole if you'd like!!!!

keeping my kiddo healthy, keeping me INSANE.

Lands got his 2 month immunizations yesterday. sigh. he did pretty well with the shots, i just popped a boob in his mouth and it was smooth sailing from there. after that, he actually slept. I was pretty excited that maybe he reversed the usual symptoms and was going to sleep right through them. I went to Fred Myers and stayed in his car seat and smiled at me the whole time. He has NEVER, in his 9 weeks of existence, ever stayed in his car seat more than 5 mins if were not in the car. He hates it so much. so all was fine and i put him down to bed early and it was fabulous. then he woke up, and was fine.... til he started freaking out. he wouldn't eat ( that ALWAYS calms him down). i couldn't rock him, bounce him, walk with him, shake him ( just kidding ;)... he was just screaming. he didn't have a fever, but i loaded him up with some baby Tylenol and about 20 mins later it all ended. i thought i was going to loose my mind.

so while i left out time frames, it was about 2 am before he passed out. i took him upstairs and he was a little restless so i tried to feed him to get a longer stretch of sleep out of him. he went down about 2 30, and Ben had just gotten home from work/drinks with his buddy. he finally had to take him down stairs and rock him so i could at least get a couple hours of sleep. he woke at about 430, 630, and noon. it was amazing. so i was pretty rested to deal with what he was going through today...

it didn't end last night, hes been a crabby pants all day. we took lots of little naps but god forbid i put him down. i finally gave him some Tylenol again. he still doesn't have a fever and i feel bad drugging him up. but man, poor baby was miserable.

i finally got one of these about 8 o'clock

hes been asleep since probably a little after 8:30. that is SO early for him, I'm hoping to get some stuff done around the house. hoping for the best and expecting the worse...

fingers crossed for a better day tomorrow. I don't have anything to do. but i would love to shower... brush my hair... i don't know, GET DRESSED. the things I used to do when I had a life. ( or no life? if working my ass off and then getting drunk was a life?) craft store tomorrow because i am itching for some new projects!!

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I never finish what i start. i have two unfinished scrapbooks. yet i always feel the need to start something fun, and put it away 5 mins later to never start again. we will see.)

xoxo

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!

My biggest brother has always told me about the world ending in 2012 since I can ever remember. I guess I never thought I would live to be 25... but it's totes here. when the movie came out, I had to watch it with my eyes covered ( wait... what?) because I don't know how the worlds gonna end, and I didn't want to know if the world was going to fall into the ocean as they show. I really never fell in the hype... but... yikes.

On a much brighter note... Happy 2012!! so far, the same as 2011, as i assume it to be for a while. I've got to spend the past two days with Benny, trying to get our house together and redecorate, and, so far so good. we're making great progress. our NYE was as glamorous as expected... it looked like a LOT of this going on...

I am not sure what the problem is... but Landon does not sleep. like today, he hasn't gone down for one solid nap all day. He usually falls asleep while nursing, and wakes up to play as soon as i lay him down. the only "break" I get is holding him and letting him sleep. he VERY rarely stays asleep for more than 30 mins on his own. he went down to sleep at about 11:45, and I was totes excited to watch all that garbage on TV with out holding a baby. straight to the kitchen we went!

It really didn't last long, he slept about 25 mins and then woke up to eat, eat, eat!! That kid is growing to fast for his own good, and definitely too fast for my poor ta-tas to keep up :( I have to keep reminding myself that one day he will not be a baby anymore, and all this is going to go away. Except for then he will be Gavin's age... and we will have to do that all over again. At least by that point Gavin will be older and potentially cooler... then he can go back to being my favorite child again.

ANYWAY.. this is how Ben and I felt about ( what we thought was) a few hours of being an adult and spending new years together-

Clearly, we dressed up. I didn't even have pants on.

Maybe next year, we will do something extravagant and drink too much booze and dance all night long. or we won't have a babysitter... whatev. One day we will do something cool again. one day...

(FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: we won't. our lives are doomed.)


p.s.... we all know the world isn't going to end. but why has no one started making one of those life saving, freaking awesome, submarine/spaceship, this-is-your-only-chance-for-survival machines? I mean, just in case?