I still blog.

It's hotter than hell. My mind is racing. I'm blogging from my iPhone... Which means this is serious. (All my readers know how much I hate blogging from this thing!!!)  I've had a very exhausting, very emotional and life changing month. I'm far too old to be in the situation I'm in, but, life throws curve balls. Here I am, 26, single mom living at my own mothers house. I've been gone since I was 18, hello nostalgia!! I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and not make my own decisions for my own happiness. The best thing I have probably done in my life is stay home with my son and be able to be with him 100% of the time. But honestly... It's never what I wanted. I enjoyed working and really loved what I did. Here I am, starting over from complete scratch and am missing two solid years of job experience on my résumé. I have to start back over in every aspect of my life.

For those of you who are wondering, LJ's doing better then ever. Taking him out of such a toxic environment and freeing him from the arguments and fighting really has done a lot for him. He's much happier, sillier, and seems to talking a whole lot more then he was before. We will be back on our feet hopefully sooner then later, and, I hope to be able to give him a sence of  stability and security.  Its important I take care of all this garbage now instead of later, so that when he's at an age he remembers everything, he will have a family environment and feel like his life, and his heart is full. I love him more than I can say. He truly is the thing keeping me going right now. Through all the bull shit I'm dealing with, if I don't teach him to be strong, who will? I'm doing everything I can to make sure he's not effected by the situations effecting me right now. I won't take him down with me, he deserves better. 

Currently considering a few options for myself... Back to school? Back to merchandising? Currently bartending and cocktailing for my mom at the bowling alley, but, hoping that's a temporary solution although it will get my bills paid for now. I've been thinking for a long time what a career choice might look for me as a mother, but now as a single mother.... Trying to be more strategic and find something that will most definitely benefit me AND my son. We're a badass team.

Other news... My brain has always, ALWAYS been smarter then my heart. I have rarely ever followed my heart.... And I remember why. It's a little heavy today, my actions and choices are taking a toll. But-- like with everything else, I'll get through it or ill get over it. Fate is a sneaky little bitch. I do believe everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is not brought to the surface just yet. Only time will tell.

Looks like its Tuesday again, Monday sucks it proved to be as stupid as ever, and now it's time to shake the 'tude play softball. I normally look forward to it a bit more then I do today, but need some time away from the real world. 

It's been real, blog world. I miss my readers. I have of lately been blogging privately, but it's time to get back on track. Expect to hear from me again soon ;)

Drum roll please.....

over the past two years, as you all know, my life has changed in every kind of way. I became a mother, I was asked to be a wife, I quit my (very very very loved and adored) job, and life has taken over. there has been a time or two hundred that i have to stop and ask myself; Who am i anymore?! I love my new life and wouldn't change it for anything in the world. Being a mom has made me more compassionate, caring, nurturing, thoughtful, selfless, and fat. yeah, i said it. i was slowly gaining and gaining and i noticed every bit of it. I have always struggled with my weight, but being a mom is truly my #1 prioirity and i wasn't worried about anything that i was doing, as long as my kids and soon to be hubby were happy. One day I realized... I'm loosing myself in this new life. I still get to be a PERSON. I still deserve to be happy, I still deserve to be ME. I've never wanted to be stick thin, I've always appreciated and loved my curves (holla thick girls!) but i needed to tone it down. I always said i would start working on it when i was ready. and BAM. here it is. I'm ready!!

I decided the first of this year would be my go time. after all the holidays, after everything settles down, i could start thinking about myself again; especially my health. I've been dreading to post this... but... here goes nothing.

Here I am in all my (fat) glory. tipping my awkward scales at 151.1 lbs. I didn't know how uncomfortable in my own skin i truly was, until 3 months later i was looking at this.

I FEEL AMAZING! I am so happy to get dressed each day. I mean, seriously, are those 2 different people?! look at that little waist! proud to weigh in at a 126.4 right now. yeah, you heard me.

first things first, i did this the RIGHT way. a little miracle called the South Beach Diet. good carbs vs. bad carbs, no sugars, low cal, protein. its all things i feel comfortable feeding my family. I know how to eat to be/stay healthy. I just have to keep it up.

I have adapted something very new in my life-- running. It is NOT easy to start running. I've been following the amazing couch to 5k app, and, each week it gets a little bit harder and harder... but guess what? each week i finish. and I amaze myself every time. I have some amazing motivation in my life. My kids, my family and friend, and of course my PREGNANT sister. who goes to the gym 5 days a week, and runs for fun. she just follows where that little (getting bigger!) belly leads her, and she works her ass off. my excuse? I'm lazy. yeah... can't cut it anymore. I need to get healthy, BE healthy, and teach my kids a healthy lifestyle. Signed up for my very first 5k in a little less than 2 weeks!! very excited for my new lifestyle.

I'm going to be a BRIDE!! I've picked out my dream dress. and i look better in it then i ever dreamed i would. my life is coming together and I am a much happier person. I still have a road ahead of me, and the scariest thing for me, mainatnce. sure i can GET skinny, but it's all about staying skinny. Actually, scratch that all. It's all about being happy in my own skin. i am determined to always be a better mom, and by being active and healthy, I can deliver that much more to my kids. 

Happy to be me again. Happy to have my life under control. Happy.

XoXo!

my REAL dad.

My biological father has always kind of came in and out of my life as he chose. I allowed it, and was always SO happy when i heard from him again, he randomly came to town to visit, he was moving home again... etc. etc. etc. I was very much a "daddies girl" and it took me far too long to realize he was going to come into my life, and break my heart as he left again, as long as I allowed him. too long in fact. I hadn't heard from him in 4 years til the day my son was born... yeah, right. you do that to me my whole life and you think I'm going to openly allow you to hurt my son like that, too? sorry Daddio, you're in or you're out. you made your choice a long time ago.

Aside from all my monster daddy issues, I'd like to pay tribute to the man who was always there for me, the one who sent me off for my first prom, screamed and howled at my high school graduation, probably would have walked me down the aisle... and at all the same time the one who didn't HAVE to be there. Troy was my only father figure for so much of my life. he was crazy obnoxious, but isn't that how your parents are supposed to act? he balanced out my mom so well, and we were quite a family together.  

 as a step-daughter, i terrify myself as a step-mom. I was awful to him a lot of the time. i yelled out all the " I HATE YOU!!"s, the "YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!!"s, and the " I NEVER HAD A DAD I DON'T NEED ONE NOW!"s. I know i truly hurt his feelings on more than one occasion. but he always forgave me. I was his daughter and we had a special bond. stuff like that didn't matter at the end.. we were still a family.

I will never forget the day my mom called me and told me Troy was sick. he was in the hospital and it wasn't looking so good. my mom and Troy had broken up a few years prior, but it didn't matter to us. we rushed there the next day to sit next to him in his utmost time of need. he wasn't conscious, but i really hope he knew we were there. we sat there all day with him. laughed with friends and family, and cried all day long. it was one of the hardest thing I've ever had to watch. of course every mean thing i said to him as a pre-teen and all the guilt from time passing is making me crazy. I wish i could take it all back. but you can't. but all and all, i really hope that he knew how much that i cared about him and how important to my life he was. 

it's been 3 years ago today, that he passed away. I still think about him often. he had a set of friends like I've never seen before, who love, miss, and appreciate him all the time. He comes up in conversation, and especially good memories all the time. it is too sad for me to write this today... but i am thanking my lucky stars (and my mom!) for letting him be such a crucial part of my life. I know I would definitely be a different person if it wasn't for him. 

Miss you.

Blast off to THREE!

Hi y'all! Guess who's  back with another random post out of the blue. yep! making a star appearance (on my own site?) after 2 months of missing-ness. let's be real-- I'm a mother of two (sometimes). I work (not often). and I'm just busy being awesome. Reality? Ben plays lots of video games and LJ LOVES the computer. I am not to sit down here while he is awake, or he WILL go ape shit until i pick him up and he smashes the keyboard. with his hands. and head. needless to say, that gets annoying, so, between that and Ben's addiction i really can't get to the computer often. But i miss you guys!

NOW. the real reason I am here today is to talk about how proud I am of this amazing little 3 year old I am helping co-parent. can you even believe he's 3?! it is absolutely crazy to think about how time flies by so fast.

For MONTHS this little smarty pants has been talking about a rocket cake for his birthday. I'd like to think of myself as a new age, just starting out Martha Stewart, so I was going to make one. annnnd that proved to be difficult. his awesome Aunt even tried to whip one up, and, no. it just wasn't happening. so after panicking for a few weeks, i decided to just buy one. he was NOT going to be happy with anything else.

 

your eyes are NOT deceiving you. that is; (rocket shaped) peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and french fries. Not your idea of a gourmet meal? too bad. that's all Gavin eats. who serves food at a birthday party that the birthday boy doesn't even like...? that was also my very first attempt at cake pops. we had fun! i like them and will definitely be doing them in the future. i wanted those to look like earth... but when we tried to put some green on them they turned into a total hot mess so i spared it. oh well!

my sweet little nephew here is modeling our awesome JET PACKS! these were so much fun. for the kids, of course. My sister Ashley and I were up until after 1 am putting these bad boys together, and even sent her husband to the store in the middle of the night for supplies. ( if that's not brother-in-law of the year... i don't know what is!) very pleased with how they turned out. i couldn't get very many pictures of them in action though, because they made the kids run SO FAST! 

Over all, we had so much fun and I was so happy to spend the day with such close family and a few friends. Gavin still talks about his party when he sees people. I love watching him grow and learn, and I am so lucky and thankful to be such an active roll in his life. I think about his future a lot. if the split custody will effect him later in life. if he will resent me... he will resent me. but how much? and when?  i am dreading the day(s) he yells, "YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!" I know it will happen, and I will be sad. but as of now that all he knows is i love him and he loves me... i will snuggle on and make him as happy as i possibly can. He has taught me a lot about being a mom and I will always love him for that! he was my little stepping stool into mommyhood, and i love how much time i get to spend with him. he is now ( and forever) just as much of my son as LJ is. we are a very happy family here in the Smith household! and he is a huge reason. 

 (FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: We have too much shit. seriously. I am a toy hoarder. it's taking over my life!)

Of course one of L's and Aubs making out. for good measure.

'Til next time!

XOXO

Mommys need some time too!

I really don't have anything beneficial to say. probably nothing worth reading. but guess what! i don't feel good, I'm exhausted, and my kids are asleep so no interruptions.

i always try to be this great super mom/attachment parent, be with or accessible to my children at any given time, but I'm going crazy. i love the thought of attachment parenting, but i need a freaking break! I'm looking at almost 13 months of breast feeding, and i just really, more than anything, want my boobs and my drinking habit back. i will more than likely continue to nurse through winter, and potentially spring, but i will figure that out later. i love what i am doing for LJ (not to mention the great benefits for me!) but i wont say i don't daydream about putting baileys in my coffee, drinking bloody marys for breakfast, and guzzling down some vodka sodas for the rest of the day. but instead, i suffer with facing real life at all times. anything for my offspring!

I will absolutely kick myself for this, but my camera has been off lately. I cannot stand taking pictures of the boys right now. LJ does NOT sit still, and Gavin has such a 'tude sometimes, he only allows you to take pictures when he wants you to take pictures. and then he will drive you nuts until you do, demand to see it, and then drive you nuts til you take another one. wash, rinse, repeat.

if there is one thing that keeps me sane, its my Mr. he can literally walk in the door, and within seconds knows how I'm feeling. one day on the verge of a serious mental break down, he walks in the door:: * me, on my hands and knees trying to scrub coffee that Landon had happily taken a big drink of and also dumped it all over the floor* "Hi babe! oh. let me take the kids. you need a break." and some days...i SO do. don't think i some days don't want to punch him in the face. that happens too. but our dynamic works because i can tell him i want to punch him in the face, and then he straightens up. forever isn't easy. but we're figuring it out!

seahawks vs. jets 

a customer told me tonight, "I'll give you 50 cents, or a dollar (tip), you choose." i told him i didn't want either one. he asks me, " aren't you working for tips?" I said "nope, I'm working to get out of the house and talk to adults." he laughed at me, for probably too long. my guilt setting in thinking he's going to think I'm a horrible mother, he says, "my wife did the same thing!" gave me a dollar, and walked off. moral of the story, I am not the only stay at home mom who goes absolutely nuts. you always want what you can't (or this case, don't) have!

on that note-- i need to sleep. Landon I'm sure will be up soon. he's not feeling well (as am i) so although his sleep has gotten worlds better, he's having a hard time breathing and its effecting my beauty rest. but i will get what i can take. good night blog world. it's been real.

xoxo

FAUX-BLOGGERS NOTE:: I'm gonna hit you with some awesome pictures in attempt to make up for this post sucking so bad. 

Arrghh.

No it's cool. It's part of an arranged marriage.

I haz cheese?

This is old. like, 4 months old. but that FACE!!

Where does the time go?

I'll admit-- I was blog obsessed for quite a few months, and I was pretty passionate about getting to the computer, and getting everything part of my entrance to mommyhood on to a solid form of digital record. I am not even going to back track... But i know it's been months since I've gotten here. 

Mommyhood honesty:: I've been feeling very strange about LJ turning one. I am so proud, sad, exhausted, ready for him to get a job, and emotional (sans the tears). It feels almost... out of body. I kept trying to cuddle and rock him tonight. I pretty much got a big "F you mom, I'm a big boy now" from him, and he went along with his little sideways crab/drunken penguin waltz. moral of the story today, is, I am a proud mama. This kid drives me nuts, keeps me up ALL night (yes, still, at 1 years old). i fight through over-exhaustion. delusion. hypochondria. selfishness. and most importantly, my mild case of boozing. ( for us social drinkers, who suddenly get knocked up, and two years later hardly having her boobs in her shirt long enough to HAVE a drink.)

This would be his.. "I am one now and fighting naps so I am grumpy all day" face.

I decided a long time ago that my most important gift i could give to Lands would be to write him a letter, and let him know how much he changed my life and what he means to me. I hope to raise him in such a way that he will appreciate it one day, and feel this feeling of amazement himself when he has his own child. I hope to mold him into someone I, or any good woman for that matter, would WANT to be with. I've had experience with too many negative men in my life ( including the one who created me) that many of my hopes for him revolve around not only what he will do in life, but how he treats people and what kind of legacy he can leave behind. I am mommy-ing the best that I can.. and although the hurdles come and go, and will continue to for many, many years... I can only hope that he will be a good person with an amazing heart, and always try to do whats best. I am pouring my heart and soul into this child, and I cannot wait to see how he pans out. I am, by far, a better person than I ever knew i could be since he came along. he changed my life completely, and i hope he can continue to do that to others through out his life time. 

that is all for now, friends. I shall return if the beast decides to sleep again sometime soon. Birthday party pictures to come soon!

xoxo

The hostess with the mostest!

I have always been a "party" type person. As an adult, or should I say.. "adult"... I have wanted to throw parties. Threw my bff a fantastic baby shower 5 years ago.. at my moms. I always lived in an apartment, so I couldn't really do much. Threw a few HUGE parties around 21... and well... I don't want to have THOSE kinds of parties anymore. Now that LJ is a little older and we are more settled in the house ( that Ben has lived in for YEARS... needed a girls touch for sure!) I am ready to take the plunge again. Ben loves to BBQ, so we have been having people over for dinner here and there. I usually get kind of stressed out about clutter ( baby toys everywhere!!) the day of, and space, but we always end up having a good time. we just bought a brand new BBQ so we look forward to doing this all summer long!!!

with all that being said, LJ's birthday is in 3 months, 1 week, and 6 days. But who's counting!! I have been so wrapped up in having a BABY, it's so crazy to think that he will be a year old already! I am super excited and planning his birthday like crazy. I have been trying to scrapbook lately. It's so hard because the way Landon is (he's getting much better), and hes not napping great while he's teething. When Gavin is home, we like to have "special time" when LJ is sleeping so he has big boy activites to look forward to that we cant do while the itty is awake. But i bought a cricut anyway. I am so STINKING excited, and have already scrounged up 4 cartridges. I have planned out all the decorations for Landons birthday, and plan to start soon! I have yet to scrapbook :)

We had a pretty small party for Gavin's first party, and a pretty low budget one for his second birthday. I feel bad, but, I didn't want to over step my boundries on his first birthday and his last one was hard trying to get used to a brand new baby also. This year he will get to pick his theme, and I'm pretty sure it will be rockets. He says he dreams about them every nap and bedtime. he loves them!

I better get off my butt... LJ is chasing our cat around the kitchen and I've got to get ready to host dinner tonight for my fab in-laws! wonder where the time crunch stress comes from? ;)

xoxo!